That phrase gets tossed around a lot to justify the abhorrent behaviour of people in arguments. I guess we just come to accept that people seem to default to being horrible human beings when they get in front of a keyboard, but, really, no. No. Not even. Fuck that.
Fuck a generation of people who forget they are people sitting at a desk making comments to other people sitting at their desks. How many of us have been in positions where we disagree with something, decide to point it out, and then are voraciously attacked by someone else. Yay forums, right?
There are some feelings that we are likely all familiar with. Tightness in chest, shortness of breathe. Feelings of helplessness and stress. These feelings are amplified when the other person decides to block you, or worse still, when the people attacking you are mods.
I've been making an effort lately to avoid internet drama posts. I'd honestly rather focus on happy things and the positive moves I'm making in my transition, the sex I'm having, et al. This is just going to be a little cathartic, so please indulge me.
Ask a Trans Person a Question. A Fetlife group that already existed under a different name. A group that wasn't needed but hey double the questions double the answers, so who cares, right? I've been doing this transition thing for awhile and I like to participate in the topics pretty frequently. Sometimes a few people can scrape on my nerves but for the most part its all fine.
The other day I ended up in an argument with the mods, though, and I found myself being treated very unfairly.
I'll be honest, at this point I'm just venting. I really dislike that they feel its alright to make unfounded accusations against me without giving any proof, including suggesting that people are secretly whispering to the mods over my personality. Honestly, what the fuck is that even about? What a horrible thing for me to believe, thinking people are so disturbed by me that they have to run to the cops. Why would you spread something like that to the group without giving any indication at all of what they complained about? I own my shit, but show me the sentences I wrote that caused such heart ache for people in a group where people share about hormones.
If you read the thread, you'll notice that I'm calmly explaining my position on the subject, and others are agreeing, but every instance of someone who doesn't agree includes personal attacks against my character or in some other way devalues me in an effort to end the discussion.
A few cases of this are boiling down everything I am as an attention seeking drama queen. That's really the softest method because the mods themselves attacked my personality, made wild accusations and assertions and once again closed the thread so the last words read were defamation of my character.
That's how the mods in that group work. They are alluding to people speaking to the mods about me, but I have never heard that and they won't cite any example at all of that happening. They reference conversations in PM that didn't occur anything like they describe, suggest I misgendered people without pointing it out, and suggest that I was being all manner of rude to them. None of which is supported by anything I had written on the subject. Basically, she's a witch but we aren't going to prove it. How republican.
So I really hope it makes people wonder, if I'm being calm and they are throwing mud... who is telling the truth?
I'm sure it all reads as a completely normal day for the internet. Even still, this isn't a faceless internet blob, these are specific and shitty people sitting in their chairs trying to make another girl sitting in her chair cry.
UPDATE: Mod refused to provide any proof at all and said many people had been pleading for them to ban me and Mod was defending me. Completely insane. I've been banned for no cause since they provided no proof of their allegations. Oh well, fuck them. Just a creepy bizarro version of reality.
Thursday morning I met with my Doctor about CAM-H's letter to me. I had thought this was the big bad wolf of approval/denials but it turns out it is just another pit stop on the road to pussy palace.
Essentially, I've not been denied; I've been approved the change to have an approval. @_@ Dizzying, isn't it?
In a few *months* I'll be meeting with the head Doctor face at the CAM-H gender place and she will approve or deny me, I guess. I'm not sure what the committee, which ostensibly would have included her was doing if not approving me, but whatevs.
This is good news! Don't get me wrong. I look forward to meeting her because I hear she's aces.
I figured this might be a good time to sort of revisit the CAM-H steps that brought me here, and the projected one ahead.
1. My initial referral to CAM-H. Long wait to get the date, then a few hours of being interviewed by psychiatrists, psychologists, et al. That happened for me as an awkward first step by my then family Doctor, in 2009.
2. In February 2013 my current family Doctor said I'm a likely candidate for SRS. April 2013 I was at CAM-H for a follow up with a delightful intern related loosely to the Twilight franchise.
3. A CAM-H committee reviewed my case in June 2013 to decide if this bitch deserves a pussy yo!
4. The culmination of a committee meeting to discuss my pussy was: sure, maybe, but let's have you meet us again anyways.
5. In a few months I'll be meeting with the head of the GIP at CAM-H about dat pussy!
I hope this is useful somehow. Do you guys enjoy hearing about my life and transition, or do you just want me to suck some cock?
A big hurdle for trans women is hair removal. There is often a lot to be removed, and not a lot of money to put towards removing it. Being employed full-time makes me an exception, certainly not the rule. There are too many of my sisters on social assistance, under employed, or working in unsafe conditions/jobs in order to make ends meet. Access to hormones, to the money you need to change your ID, and to makeup and hair removal is not something society respects as necessary because society doesn't respect us.
I've found a laser technician who has become a friend. Rose has started her own laser practice out of her home in Mississauga. She was previously sharing space with a salon but honestly her home is amaaazing and a nicer laser place than I've been in before.
What really matters are her prices, and her kindness. For trans women looking for affordable laser hair removal with an ally, visit Chateau Rose.
The website is up new but up so go get you laser on and let her know I sent you!
My Doctor's office called me this evening. I have an appointment tomorrow at 9:30am regarding the letter they received from CAM-H. They... wouldn't tell me what it says. I'm either approved or denied for SRS.
I totally won't be able to get to sleep tonight. @_@
I had some trouble with US airport security when I was returning from Texas. It wasn't anything super dramatic, just being put through the body scanners over and over and over.
Flattering, really, considering they had no clue what was going on. The bodyscan result had little yellow squares highlighting my breasts an my princess, and the security were scratching their heads.
Finally I said, "I can explain this," and gave a knowing glance to the black girl working the device. She turned to a smile and told me to step through the device once again. Upon exiting, she tapped the screen and it showed a big green checkmark, then went blank. "Go right ahead!" she chimed with a big grin. Yay for that TSA girl in NYC! Austin was a pat down, questions, feeling my head up, checking my bags, and going through body scan over and over. Less win there.
So I felt overwhelmed when I got back to Toronto, and needed a bit of catharsis. Nothing says closure like a tattoo. I showed up at Distinktive Tattoos on College street in Toronto and they didn't quite know what to make of me. Eds hooked me up with the fabulous ray gun you see below. He was so excited to get to do some retro pulp fiction style art. I was his first ray gun.
During the tattoo, 3 useless white girls were staring at me the whole time during their meaningless dribble tattoos. Super annoying, but my tattoo turned out great. 3 hours in the chair, and I have to say, this hurt a lot more than the stars on my foot. I am thinking of having a trail of stars go from my shoulder down my body and leg to connect to those on my foot. What do you think?
I was approached by a Jamaican woman, who wanted me to be a live in pet for she and her husband. In that case, the husband turned out to be pathetically insecure, and decided a boring ass cisgirl would be preferred. I would so love that. I mean, YOLO, right? Especially if we film it!
I mean sex, for me, is expression. I want to do it with EVERYBODY.
Almost everybody. I don't really want random sex with random people. Strange, right?
Well, what I mean is I want to make connections. A couple who owns me, a friendship of years that gets upgraded benefits, a coworker who fucks me for mutual porn purpose, a man who makes me feel like a girlfriend, or a whore earning towards rent.
Am I weird and disconnected that my interest in sex is proportional to what's in it for me?
So it was suggested I should go to iloveinterracial.com for some webcam fun. For a few hours, it was fun.
Then this guy, Swaggerific (Who doesn't have the courage to post a profile pic) comes on and immediately sets in about disclosing that I'm trans, endlessly. I mean endlessly. There was not one sentence he said that wasn't choc-full of bigot.
He'd go on with shit like, "I have trans friends, but you have to be honest with people." "Ur a man not a lady." and of course "I'm not a bigot but you have to tell people."
1. You are a shitty friend to trans people if you think its not honest to be the gender you are meant to be, the one on you live every day, and the one on your birth certificate.
2. This is a black man on an interracial site. He has learned fucking NOTHING from the historical oppression of minority groups. NOTHING.
As he became more insistent, the fat white chicks on the site, Angel420 and *B* (who didn't have the courage to put their webcams on and take their clothes off) began to set in with "He should call his profile TRANNY or something" "Lol UR a man" and so on so forth.
I'm not really all that into interracial stuff anymore but a yahoo friend recommended it as another place to to have fun on webcam. Obviously that is not true. ILoveInterracial.com is nothing but a bigot hive.
So yeah, that horrible website aside, there seem to be an increasing number of shitty people in the world. I feel like as we become more exposed and prevalent in the media, for positive reasons, the backlash internationally is becoming increasingly terrifying.
The UK has decided that if we do not disclose we are criminals. So what if someone rapes us? I foresee us going to jail for being raped. Watch it happen.
Greece is basically Nazi Germany, rounding up any undesirables and putting us into concentration camps. I don't see a world war to save them.
Russia. I'm not even sure what else needs to be said except the word. They are doing terrible things over there, and we really, really need to boycott the Olympics. Seriously.
So while being mobbed with transphobia on a chat site where uneducated black men try to put their penises into insecure fat white girls may not seem like a big deal, it is proof that this isn't a government thing, this is people.
People who have completely and utterly failed to learn anything from Martin Luther King Jr. or any other voice of civil or equal rights. People who chat on websites. People who eat Pringles and get high. People who have jobs and kids and go to the movies.
It makes me afraid for my daughter when people like them are alive in the world with her.
I fully expect more death threats. This is becoming normal.
I'm a girl in transition who has recently been awakened to the truth of her sexuality by strong, beautiful women. I now know that I am a submissive little dyke whose every cell exists to serve, worship, obey, and please female dominants. I'm thrilled to be so close to finally having my pussy, and I know my cunt will be a lesbian cunt for all of eternity.