Friday, August 29, 2014


Well I found a pretty great way to send money to friends, easily!
I pretty much loOOove body writing and would love better still to share that with all of you!
Use Square Cash to send me a donation and tell me what to write on my body!
Send an email to gift4mei at gmail dot com and cc cash at square dot com. The subject is the amount you wish to donate and tell me what to write and where in the message!
Do that, or follow this link: UR AD HERE

Friday, August 22, 2014


I didn't get the first opportunity. That went to my teammate. His last day is next Friday and while I'm very very happy for him (he totally deserves a better life) I'm also wincing at what I know will be a torrent of workload that rolls down onto the remaining team mates. This company SUCKS at leadership.

The second opportunity seems out of reach. This is especially distressing because I'm perfect for it and, more importantly, it is my client! I already know their system, they are in my town, they know me, know I'm trans, and they seem to like me. I don't think they even got my resume, though. I'll try to find out who to contact about it and hand it directly to them. This recruiter doesn't have my interests at heart.

Which brings me to the subject at hand: recruiters and references. I have neither.

I have been largely unable to get any of my radio and TV references, people who were good friends and would go to bat for me, to even reply to my messages or return my calls. They haven't talked to me since I transitioned.

Recruiters make their living on reputation. Their clients (prospective employers) need to feel like the recruiter is reliable, takes their needs seriously, and can deliver quality applicants. What I've now been discovering after a half dozen recruiters just vanish on me is that nobody wants to have their client question their reputation and quality with a line like "Hey, what's all this about sending us a tranny??" It extends to an unwillingness by many (but not all) colleagues to vouche for me.

So now I'm going to be canvassing my clients websites directly and firing off resumes myself. Who needs recruiters or references!

Oh shit.

Well at least I'm learning new things about the wonderful challenges of being trans and alive.

Can you tell I'm actively trying not to depress everyone with how completely fucking miserable I am? I hope so. I'm biting my tongue so hard it bleeds.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Job hunt

I have been feverishly seeking a new job. I can't make ends meet after my current employer incorrectly filed my record of employment for my medical leave. I received no financial benefits and was forced to liquidate my retirement savings and max my credit cards. I asked my employer to help and they have declined.

The reason they filled it out improperly in the first place is because they aren't familiar with Canada law. The HR manager in our office would have done this properly. She was fired for speaking out against bullying in the workplace. She was also my mother.

Few trans people find work. I've been lucky to transition here but the workload is insane now as people flee the under paying company for better opportunities. I'm trying very hard to find work, but so often the recruiters don't call back after they hear my voice.

I finally have an opportunity. It will be a hard fought position to win. I'm having a new challenge: references.

I have years of experience that I can't prove because almost no one in the Toronto radio and TV industry who worked with me is willing to be my reference.

Even as I do cobble together contacts as best as I can, I will continue to face challenges that the competition don't.

In two weeks my expenses will jump again, even farther beyond my means as I have after school programs to pay for. I have no ability to pay, but if I don't the courts can come at me and then I'll pay retro active.

I have failed to find part time work. I break down and cry after work because the stress is so high. I don't feel sexy to do porn or escort. I have no money for a massage table. PayPal shut my accounts so I don't even have a way to accept donations.

I want to die all the time. I'm on the phone with crisis counselling often. I won't do it because I love my daughter but this is getting out of hand. I see few other options than to cut my internet and phone. It won't even help to do more than offset part of the day care cost. Worse still, I can't afford my food budget, so this diet I've almost lost 50lbs on looks like it will be over soon.  Laser hair removal was long ago abandoned, unfinished. My makeup is running out and I have no means to get more.

I hate my life. I hate that I'm going bankrupt again, that I'm so fucking close to homeless. I hate that I am dying of stress in an office that wrongfully dismissed my mother and ruined new financially.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Dames Making Games

There's an organization here in Toronto that helps women network and learn to develop video games. After months of meaning to participate, my Mom finally pushed me to do it and I attended a workshop session on tools to make video games.

I'm working in unity now to animate my sprite. It is going well. The slow going part is really just finding the time between work, life, and child to code it. It is a worthy endeavour, I believe.

I wanna get me some of those flappy bird moneys!

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Weight loss

I've been on a medically supervised weight loss program for about four months now and I'm now down 40lbs. Yay!

30 lbs more to go, and at the risk of being the target of fat phobia and body shaming, I present to you me as of now.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Money troubles

Money turned out to be an issue during medical leave. My employer incorrectly filled out my record of employment, so Employment Insurance didn't get delivered to me until a week before I returned to work. The government deliberated on my case because of my employer's mistake, and in the meantime I had to rack up credit card debt at 29.9% interest to survive. 

Now I'm back at work, my review didn't include any sort of salary adjustment to reflect the 3x workload I've been handling for the past 2 years since taking a new position, and they are unapologetic in the matter of the record of employment.

I'm in deep trouble and I find so much of my time is spent either at work in a state of stress or at home in a state of stress. I truly do not know how to get out of this.

Dilation helps me keep sane.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

PayPal sucks again

A few years ago I was accepting donations here by way of my PayPal. Within ONE day of opening up for donations, they limited my account, stole the money and forever prevent me from using eBay, Kickstarter, and most online shopping. Forever and without any explanation.

I setup a corporate account with my corporate. For those who are unfamiliar with the concept, corporations are separate from their board of directors. Well, they went ahead and arbitrarily closed my account again, citing fraud. There is no appeal process.

It is not fraud. I have a a legitimate corporation and I hadn't even used the Paypal account.

Utter nonsense.

Paypal has and deserves a terrible reputation with many people. I'm now designing a video game that I plan to roll out on Google Play. I will be using Google Checkout I suppose, but if you have any suggestions for a better payment provider, please let me know.

What an absurd world we live in.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Life after SRS

It has been awhile and in no small part my hiatus has been due to life struggles. I figure I end up sounding like a broken record if all I do is go on and on about how things aren't so great.

I keep up on Tumblr easily enough. I dunno, I guess it is the convenience of an easy to use app on my phone. Also a habitual reblogging of fine lady porns.

I get questions there from time to time. Here's one now.

How are you doing after your srs is your life starting to be normal
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