Discretion in Dating a Trans Woman

I received a comment on the "Liking Trans Women is the Straight Thing to do" post and thought I'd share it as a new post because it is something that we frequently have come up.

"Is being curious about dating/sexual experimentation with a transwoman something you would need a new comer to be open to everyone about? I for one have been curious for a long time, but am curious about the sexual experimentation, not shouting my kinks from the mountain tops. Is it ok to be discrete in the beginning or is it a must to be open about your sexual wants/desire?"

I think there is always a certain amount of discretion that goes in to a new relationship, regardless of gender. We don't broadcast that we have a boyfriend until we are confident we do, we don't tell Mom and Dad until we are sure it is serious, etc. Well, unless you are me and then you do so readily and get your heart broken and everybody asks about how your BF is doing. Thanks HPD!

Discretion is part of the first phase of dating. Transphobia is when you want to be discrete because you don't believe trans women are normal and you wouldn't want to be seen publicly associating with someone you don't think is normal. 

There is a lot of pressure to avoid us. Pressure from a transphobic society. Many people want to abscond to hotel rooms for experimentational sex and then return to their transphobic lives with their transphobic family members none the wiser. 

While I appreciate the pressure you are facing, we face it too. I endure it constantly and yet decided to stand up and be myself about it. Why would I want a partner who isn't doing the same? Some of us might think it is fine. I imagine that is what escorts are referring to when they say they are great for beginners. I have just come to the conclusion that I am not great for beginners. I don't have any malice towards you, but when I'm looking for a boyfriend, I need one who is comfortable having everyone know he is my boyfriend.

Liking trans women is the straight thing to do

I recently received a comment on an old blog post about trans porn outpacing cis porn:

"If your husband is into trans-porn, it makes you feel physically ill and unloved and unwanted. When the husband comes to have sex with his wife, he is virtually impotent from stroking himself in a death grip to trans-porn. I don't see how this can be a thing we celebrate. So-called "straight" men who want to use up all their sex drives on people with cocks should have a different terminology; they are not straight. A man should NOT marry and, after 22 years, accidentally let his wife find out that he is attracted to "something else" more than to her. It is just like cutting off a wife's sex parts and stabbing her in the heart, ruining her life forever"

I am not okay with putting straight in quotes to describe cis hetero-normative males who are attracted to trans women. This woman, despite her trials, is a bigot plain and simple. 

There are lots of definitions about what infidelity entails. I don't believe porn qualifies as cheating, but perhaps you do. Cheating or not. I think it is pretty obvious that neither partner in that relationship is happy. What are you doing in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself? He desires another woman, she desires a man who is a bigot. This attempt at putting the blame on trans women is absurd. 

Stuff like this happens all the time because of bigots like this woman. Most of society is a giant bigot hive, wagging fingers and thumping bibles at anyone who doesn't fit their narrow definition of how to be. I can count on one hand the number of sexual partners. men and women. who have been comfortable with their friends, loved ones. or even strangers being seen in public with me. ONE HAND.

If society was not being so completely homo and transphobic that guy would never have married this bigot woman in the first place! He would have been free to pursue his desires and find a partner that suits his needs. I would like to say it is getting better but I don't date teenagers and that is where it is getting better. I still can't find guys who want to date me, only guys who want to fuck me in their apartment or in a hotel. Women are just the same.

Cis people need to get over themselves. Nobody wants to be hooked up with someone who doesn't have the confidence to publicly declare their interest in trans women. 

If you are looking to make real connections with trans women and not just fetishize us or hide us in your hotel rooms so your neighbours don't have to see you bring us home, check out Plenty of TS through the banners on my blog and tumblr and the link below. 

TRANSGENDER DATING