Montreal

Went to Montreal to see the surgeon. Realistic conversation: my vagina is broken. The cure is salt water. I should do it often. My pussy is small but that's normal? Functional. Sounds good?

While there I checked out old Montreal and Olympic stadium. Both are awesome but I'll give a cookie to you if you guess which I loved most.*

*ya I'm not gonna do that.

Somebody's got the case of the Mondays

1. Have a new stalker who hacked my Google account.

2. Desparately needed tax return was reassessed so I owe 200.

3. I've been dilating wrong this whole time and have forever lost the depth I need to take a penis.

How was your day?

Talk Radio

I'm going to be sitting down with Jim Richards tomorrow afternoon to talk about transition following the news at 230 pm on Newstalk 1010.

In Repair

The blog format hasn't really kept up to date with technology. I reblog on Tumblr easily enough - but that's been entirely porn. If you're looking for updates on my life I guess this is the place.

My grandma passed. I started taking pills to make me happy. I just accepted a better paying job with a new company. I'm leagues away from where I wanted to be in my life - but I guess that's life.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" - John Lennon.

It is very hard for me to keep up with a blog when the phone app is sort of garbage. I will try harder to keep my wits about me so I can post here.

I was contacted by an online periodical who wants to do a feature on me. For the life of me I cannot figure why - I haven't succeeded at anything I had set out to. Well, except my gender. I pretty much rocked that.

How's my pussy, you ask? GREAT. I'm healed up nice and I dilate once a day now with the largest dilator. I haven't had sex yet - can you imagine, no sex for a year? But since I'm basically a husk that exists to ferry my daughter back and forth and work to pay bills and child support I honestly haven't been able to connect with a human being that I'm interested in. I think I'm done with the random sex with strangers thing - they aren't worth my time.

The hormone drop plummeted my sex drive and pairing that with depression I sort of vanished from my own self. I don't chat much don't do anything much anymore. I don't really care, either. I needed help and the internet gave precisely no shits. I'm pretty much done with the thing.

Family Matters

For years I did a pretty good job of keeping up on this blog. Lately not so much.

My grandma has widespread cancer. I've been visiting her as often as possible. I love how her face lights up when my daughter is there.

I watched her no longer be able to eat, stand, breathe without apparatus, and now slip into dementia.

I have been meaning to post more here and on YouTube. Bear with me please.

Gift4Mei

Well I found a pretty great way to send money to friends, easily!

SQUARE CASH!

I pretty much loOOove body writing and would love better still to share that with all of you!

Use Square Cash to send me a donation and tell me what to write on my body!

Send an email to gift4mei at gmail dot com and cc cash at square dot com. The subject is the amount you wish to donate and tell me what to write and where in the message!

Do that, or follow this link: UR AD HERE

References

I didn't get the first opportunity. That went to my teammate. His last day is next Friday and while I'm very very happy for him (he totally deserves a better life) I'm also wincing at what I know will be a torrent of workload that rolls down onto the remaining team mates. This company SUCKS at leadership.

The second opportunity seems out of reach. This is especially distressing because I'm perfect for it and, more importantly, it is my client! I already know their system, they are in my town, they know me, know I'm trans, and they seem to like me. I don't think they even got my resume, though. I'll try to find out who to contact about it and hand it directly to them. This recruiter doesn't have my interests at heart.

Which brings me to the subject at hand: recruiters and references. I have neither.

I have been largely unable to get any of my radio and TV references, people who were good friends and would go to bat for me, to even reply to my messages or return my calls. They haven't talked to me since I transitioned.

Recruiters make their living on reputation. Their clients (prospective employers) need to feel like the recruiter is reliable, takes their needs seriously, and can deliver quality applicants. What I've now been discovering after a half dozen recruiters just vanish on me is that nobody wants to have their client question their reputation and quality with a line like "Hey, what's all this about sending us a tranny??" It extends to an unwillingness by many (but not all) colleagues to vouche for me.

So now I'm going to be canvassing my clients websites directly and firing off resumes myself. Who needs recruiters or references!

Oh shit.

Well at least I'm learning new things about the wonderful challenges of being trans and alive.

Can you tell I'm actively trying not to depress everyone with how completely fucking miserable I am? I hope so. I'm biting my tongue so hard it bleeds.

Job hunt

I have been feverishly seeking a new job. I can't make ends meet after my current employer incorrectly filed my record of employment for my medical leave. I received no financial benefits and was forced to liquidate my retirement savings and max my credit cards. I asked my employer to help and they have declined.

The reason they filled it out improperly in the first place is because they aren't familiar with Canada law. The HR manager in our office would have done this properly. She was fired for speaking out against bullying in the workplace. She was also my mother.

Few trans people find work. I've been lucky to transition here but the workload is insane now as people flee the under paying company for better opportunities. I'm trying very hard to find work, but so often the recruiters don't call back after they hear my voice.

I finally have an opportunity. It will be a hard fought position to win. I'm having a new challenge: references.

I have years of experience that I can't prove because almost no one in the Toronto radio and TV industry who worked with me is willing to be my reference.

Even as I do cobble together contacts as best as I can, I will continue to face challenges that the competition don't.

In two weeks my expenses will jump again, even farther beyond my means as I have after school programs to pay for. I have no ability to pay, but if I don't the courts can come at me and then I'll pay retro active.

I have failed to find part time work. I break down and cry after work because the stress is so high. I don't feel sexy to do porn or escort. I have no money for a massage table. PayPal shut my accounts so I don't even have a way to accept donations.

I want to die all the time. I'm on the phone with crisis counselling often. I won't do it because I love my daughter but this is getting out of hand. I see few other options than to cut my internet and phone. It won't even help to do more than offset part of the day care cost. Worse still, I can't afford my food budget, so this diet I've almost lost 50lbs on looks like it will be over soon.  Laser hair removal was long ago abandoned, unfinished. My makeup is running out and I have no means to get more.

I hate my life. I hate that I'm going bankrupt again, that I'm so fucking close to homeless. I hate that I am dying of stress in an office that wrongfully dismissed my mother and ruined new financially.

Dames Making Games

There's an organization here in Toronto that helps women network and learn to develop video games. After months of meaning to participate, my Mom finally pushed me to do it and I attended a workshop session on tools to make video games.

I'm working in unity now to animate my sprite. It is going well. The slow going part is really just finding the time between work, life, and child to code it. It is a worthy endeavour, I believe.

I wanna get me some of those flappy bird moneys!

Weight loss

I've been on a medically supervised weight loss program for about four months now and I'm now down 40lbs. Yay!

30 lbs more to go, and at the risk of being the target of fat phobia and body shaming, I present to you me as of now.