Once you go Black

A few years ago my friend Janine and I planned to go to a sex chat. We were talking on yahoo and giggling, imagining how we'd dress up and go to a sex club for real. We went into the chat room, and like doors of the club opening, the sex chat swallowed us up.

We lost each other right away. Five black guys independantly private messaged me, each of them telling me slightly modified versions of the same thing. They were talking so nice to me and I was so happy for the attention, but I couldn't focus on anything except shifting back and forth from one of them to the next, to the next, to the next.

Distantly Janine was messaging me, trying to figure out what we were going to do, but I had no idea. All I could do was read and respond to each of these five black guys. I had no time or focus for anything else.

They said things. It was consistent, but different for each guy. I'm special. I was born for black men. I'm supposed to be with black guys and it must be so hard pretending to like other kinds of guys. I was really confused, they all seemed to know what to say to make me melt, and then it got really confusing.

Each of these guys independently came up with the idea to write on my body. They wrote the kinds of things you saw last blog post. They talked to me constantly, and now that I think about it, they effectively cut me off from anyone else but their ideas. They told me that I was black's only now, and that once you go black you never go back.

I didn't even *think* of going back for two years.

This was all happening online, but it demonstrates the power of persuasion. Of course you can go back, I've done so, but even now the words have power. It makes us feel a certain way, and it becomes sticky to think like maple syrup poured over my pancake brain.

At the time I was surprised that no white guys messaged me, but now that I think about it, even if they had I wouldn't have seen them. I was too busy juggling these five black guys. I had a wonderful bunch of times on that sex chat, and hopefully I'll get that kind of gangbang loving in person. It boosts self esteem through the roof, but its a dangerous drug.