Alone in a family

In four days I fly to Thailand to have surgeries. When I return I will be full-time. My family is financing my boobs, basically. They have been supportive, but this week they have made it clear that they do not respect or appreciate my lifestyle choices. I can change gender, but I still cannot be myself.

I cannot help that I am a slut. I cannot help that I want to do porn and that financially we sort of need it. I feel today like the bond with my family is broken. I don't trust them, and I don't feel a connection.

If I could go back in time, I would have run away. I didn't transition because of family expectation. They didn't know I was trans, but when I turned eight my Dad left and every family member grabbed me by the shoulders and told me, "You've got to be the man now. You've got to take care of your family." That stress drove me into hiding. If I were to run away, to know then that my family would never embrace who I am, just the box I come in, I would have had a very hard life but that life would have been mine.

As of today, I'm not going to come back to Canada.