Job hunt

I have been feverishly seeking a new job. I can't make ends meet after my current employer incorrectly filed my record of employment for my medical leave. I received no financial benefits and was forced to liquidate my retirement savings and max my credit cards. I asked my employer to help and they have declined.

The reason they filled it out improperly in the first place is because they aren't familiar with Canada law. The HR manager in our office would have done this properly. She was fired for speaking out against bullying in the workplace. She was also my mother.

Few trans people find work. I've been lucky to transition here but the workload is insane now as people flee the under paying company for better opportunities. I'm trying very hard to find work, but so often the recruiters don't call back after they hear my voice.

I finally have an opportunity. It will be a hard fought position to win. I'm having a new challenge: references.

I have years of experience that I can't prove because almost no one in the Toronto radio and TV industry who worked with me is willing to be my reference.

Even as I do cobble together contacts as best as I can, I will continue to face challenges that the competition don't.

In two weeks my expenses will jump again, even farther beyond my means as I have after school programs to pay for. I have no ability to pay, but if I don't the courts can come at me and then I'll pay retro active.

I have failed to find part time work. I break down and cry after work because the stress is so high. I don't feel sexy to do porn or escort. I have no money for a massage table. PayPal shut my accounts so I don't even have a way to accept donations.

I want to die all the time. I'm on the phone with crisis counselling often. I won't do it because I love my daughter but this is getting out of hand. I see few other options than to cut my internet and phone. It won't even help to do more than offset part of the day care cost. Worse still, I can't afford my food budget, so this diet I've almost lost 50lbs on looks like it will be over soon.  Laser hair removal was long ago abandoned, unfinished. My makeup is running out and I have no means to get more.

I hate my life. I hate that I'm going bankrupt again, that I'm so fucking close to homeless. I hate that I am dying of stress in an office that wrongfully dismissed my mother and ruined new financially.