It seems all I do now is zone out on the subway admiring this dress, those earrings, her hair, her legs in those shoes. I spent time on a patio and there was a group of four preening princesses, enjoying time together, just talking. I was designed to be at their table.
I struggled with whether to bring this up, but I suppose.. this is my blog, my experiences should go here. Over a year ago now, my girlfriend of only a few months at the time, sweet as can be, needed a place to stay. A few weeks, I had thought. She lives with me until now, she isn't leaving.
She is a sweet, and truly innocent woman. She is a good person. I suppose then, in a way, I am a monster.
I had not nearly accepted within myself who I am. Now the pieces seem so simple, but it just wasn't what I thought for myself at the time.
24 hours after telling my Doctor, finally telling SOMEONE "I have gender issues" my girlfriend tells me "I'm pregnant".
I can't live a lie anymore. I do my entire universe a small murder if I don't embrace that I am a girl. The ripples in the water we leave decide the legacy we provide. If I am unhappy, withdrawn, and resentful my child, and her mother, and all those who care about me, will never get anything positive from my existence.
Three days now the only conversation she has had with me is pressure to marry me, even a civil union, for our child's sake. I can't weather this stress much longer, but I have been advised by three Doctors to wait until after the 1st Trimester to bring up my transition. I don't want to kill my baby.
I have never felt guilt like this. I just try to please people, to be a good influence, to help others, and to create things together. I want to care for her, I want to help her in all her pains and dry her tears and make sure she has the best life she can. But the only answer I can give her is "I love you, but I am the same as your ladyboy friend."
It honestly does help, though, knowing this is documented, experienced by many, and qualified to be the hardest time. I feel then, energeized in a way.