Friday, May 21, 2010

The hardest part

I am happily slipping into yearning wherever I go these days. I'm in a vibrant city and the weather is warm, fashion abounds.

It seems all I do now is zone out on the subway admiring this dress, those earrings, her hair, her legs in those shoes. I spent time on a patio and there was a group of four preening princesses, enjoying time together, just talking. I was designed to be at their table.

I struggled with whether to bring this up, but I suppose.. this is my blog, my experiences should go here. Over a year ago now, my girlfriend of only a few months at the time, sweet as can be, needed a place to stay. A few weeks, I had thought. She lives with me until now, she isn't leaving.

She is a sweet, and truly innocent woman. She is a good person. I suppose then, in a way, I am a monster.

I had not nearly accepted within myself who I am. Now the pieces seem so simple, but it just wasn't what I thought for myself at the time.

24 hours after telling my Doctor, finally telling SOMEONE "I have gender issues" my girlfriend tells me "I'm pregnant".

I can't live a lie anymore. I do my entire universe a small murder if I don't embrace that I am a girl. The ripples in the water we leave decide the legacy we provide. If I am unhappy, withdrawn, and resentful my child, and her mother, and all those who care about me, will never get anything positive from my existence.

Three days now the only conversation she has had with me is pressure to marry me, even a civil union, for our child's sake. I can't weather this stress much longer, but I have been advised by three Doctors to wait until after the 1st Trimester to bring up my transition. I don't want to kill my baby.

I have never felt guilt like this. I just try to please people, to be a good influence, to help others, and to create things together. I want to care for her, I want to help her in all her pains and dry her tears and make sure she has the best life she can. But the only answer I can give her is "I love you, but I am the same as your ladyboy friend."

It honestly does help, though, knowing this is documented, experienced by many, and qualified to be the hardest time. I feel then, energeized in a way.


  1. Isn't it better to tell her so that she can also make her decision on the future. You have made your choice, and she has the right to make hers. She may decide to keep the baby but raise it as a single parent, she may choose abortion, or to have you involved as a second "mommy"... you'll never know until you tell her and she has had time to process the situation. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, there will be tears, anger and recrimination, but I can only see it getting worse the longer you leave it to tell her. She needs to make decisions about her life too and she can't do that until you let her. x

  2. I prayed that youre filled with wisdom to make the right decision, whatever that might be.

  3. I agree with Paul that you should let your girlfriend know as soon as you safely can. Understand that it might be a difficult situation for her to understand, but I'm sure that she'll support you just as you've supported her. Best of Luck to you both!

  4. That is rough. I hope things get better.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...