Saturday, September 28, 2013

Discretion in Dating a Trans Woman

I received a comment on the "Liking Trans Women is the Straight Thing to do" post and thought I'd share it as a new post because it is something that we frequently have come up.

"Is being curious about dating/sexual experimentation with a transwoman something you would need a new comer to be open to everyone about? I for one have been curious for a long time, but am curious about the sexual experimentation, not shouting my kinks from the mountain tops. Is it ok to be discrete in the beginning or is it a must to be open about your sexual wants/desire?"

I think there is always a certain amount of discretion that goes in to a new relationship, regardless of gender. We don't broadcast that we have a boyfriend until we are confident we do, we don't tell Mom and Dad until we are sure it is serious, etc. Well, unless you are me and then you do so readily and get your heart broken and everybody asks about how your BF is doing. Thanks HPD!

Discretion is part of the first phase of dating. Transphobia is when you want to be discrete because you don't believe trans women are normal and you wouldn't want to be seen publicly associating with someone you don't think is normal. 

There is a lot of pressure to avoid us. Pressure from a transphobic society. Many people want to abscond to hotel rooms for experimentational sex and then return to their transphobic lives with their transphobic family members none the wiser. 

While I appreciate the pressure you are facing, we face it too. I endure it constantly and yet decided to stand up and be myself about it. Why would I want a partner who isn't doing the same? Some of us might think it is fine. I imagine that is what escorts are referring to when they say they are great for beginners. I have just come to the conclusion that I am not great for beginners. I don't have any malice towards you, but when I'm looking for a boyfriend, I need one who is comfortable having everyone know he is my boyfriend.


  1. Thank you for your take on my question :). While not phobic of anyone (multiple lesbian/gay friends) I do not have and trans friends (I just haven't made any or been introduced). Having said that I had a trans boss (female transitioning to male) and didn't know until I left the company and was told by another employee.

    The main reason I asked the question is because while I want to experiment I also don't want to lead anybody on or engage an escort etc. for that so I guess I have my own scruples to deal with.

    I hope my question didn't come off as transphobic (probably ignorant, which I am in this instance). Thanks again for answering :)

  2. Hi Anonymous. I don't think that you are being insulting, and I appreciate you following my blog and contributing with questions! ^_^

    If you are looking to fool around with girls, that's a very achievable goal! Many girls are interested in flings, just like any other person might be. Just be honest on your dating site profiles that you are looking for a good time and message girls with similar interests.

    The issue comes when someone who is in it for fun knocks on the door of someone who is in it for love. That is a misunderstanding that can happen with anyone, regardless of gender, and that is why I feel it is important to be straight forward with intentions.

    I do recommend you follow this link:
    and sign up for the site. You will meet lots of friendly girls and you can go at your own pace. There are banners on top and bottom of my blog that lead to the same place.

  3. Thanks for the response and I am glad I haven't asked any stupid questions (though give me time and I am sure I could bungle some :D). And your response is straight forward, thank you :). I will check out that site and keep contributing where I can

    1. I checked out that site and there are a lot of profiles I know are fake with stolen photos, so I don't know if I will continue using it because there is no way to tell if people are real on there :(. I will keep looking at your blog and tumblr though because they thrill me in a special way :) . (cloozeaux)

  4. Thanks for the detective work, clouzeaux! I had no idea that fake profiles were there. I didn't find the site all that helpful, after all. I'm going to remove my banners.


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